I have always been busy.

There is something thrilling about being endlessly busy for some people. They thrive on it, wear it like a badge of honour, almost saying “look at how many things I can handle”. But it does go deeper than that. For some, it equals self-worth, success, and gives them a wonderful feeling of satisfaction. The more you can take on, more people you can help out, the higher the reward you feel. And it can be addicting. 

When I was a young, I was that kid who couldn’t make it to the birthday party because of a dance show, who couldn’t make grade 8 graduation because of a serious rehearsal which would make or break our competition. I spent all my evenings, weekends, and summer training.

Then I entered an arts high school. It was the first time I felt at home at school, and I got involved. Every performance assembly (often opening act which required more rehearsals), every musical, I said yes to every friend’s choreography projects, and a few collaboration projects with the different arts. I took drama classes on top of my dance program, often running things like the Remembrance Day ceremony (which at an arts school was a full-on production). Music classes outside of school. And my dance training I did at my studio, where five days a week I would take the bus straight from school to the studio with my dinner and homework in hand.

I burned out, hard. 

It was my first time experiencing my body physically shutting down, my brain just not working anymore, and the shame for feeling like I failed, was strong.

I didn’t have the tools to deal with it then and didn’t understand what was happening either. I tried to push through, but the more I pushed the more my body suffered.

First signs you are in burn out:

• Exhaustion
  
• Mood changes
  
• Stomach aches, headaches
  
• Getting sick with viruses more often
  
• Your brain not remembering as well,
  
• Feeling the need to zone out more
  
• More physical injuries

I actually reached my breaking point in first year university. Leading up to graduating high school I had so much potential. I had been given full scholarships, and placements at schools in the USA and Canada. My path was lined up ahead of me, all I had to do was pick. I ended up at the Ryerson Theatre School, in Toronto. Probably one of the toughest programs in Canada to get into, and here I was all set to get my career started. I also lived in residence that year, and would watch my peers going out at night, enjoying life, knowing I had ballet class at 8am the next day. Being surrounded by people having fun, and not spending every moment of their day training was eye opening for me. It took the director of the dance program to bluntly tell me my heart wasn’t in this anymore, to make me realize just how much I was burnt out. Perhaps, if I had better tools I could have gotten past the burn out and continued my dance career. However, I didn’t, so I quit. For the first time since I was about 5 years old, I wasn’t training as a dancer. 

Dealing with the burn out by just simply quitting everything and having nothing to replace it isn’t ideal. It can lead to depression and loss. Making smaller changes early on when you experience the first signs of burn out is more beneficial in the long run.
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After you experience first signs of burn out:

• Evaluate your schedule (can you cut anything out?)
• If there is something that you really don’t want to be doing follow that instinct 
• Take some small breaks even just to take some deep breathes
• Talk to friends or a therapist
• Yoga or stretching is amazing to do

I spent the next few years lost. I stayed in Toronto, worked a lot of random jobs, enjoyed going out more. However, under it all was a complete loss of my identity, drive, and passion.

Slowly, I found another path. I went back to school for archaeology, worked in museums and in the field, found my partner, bought a condo. For a time, things were really good, my life was organized, and I had purpose again. Eventually we got married, bought a house, and had two kids.

Managing a house, two kids, and a job, without community or family support was tough. A difficult pregnancy, birth, and having a young neurodivergent kid all lead to some tough mental health issues. I ignored every early sign of burn out, stating I didn’t have a choice now, that I just needed to be stronger. I was creating my own misery. Yes, it was a tough situation, but I still needed everything to be perfect. As perfect as my life before kids, a house, and the utter exhaustion that comes from it all. As the kids got a little older, I started joining things, and adding to my schedule just for any sense of connection and purpose. All the while still not address of the original signs of burn out. 

Secondary signs of burn out: after ignoring the first signs for a long time

• ​More physical issues. I had constant stabbing pains in my side, and at one point I completely lost my hearing in one ear
• More migraine headaches
• Complete zone outs
• Irritable and emotional dysregulation
• Constant anxiety 

And yet, still I pushed through. I did go to the doctor to try and solve some of the physical pains, but all my tests would come up normal. Eventually, I let everything go unchecked for so long I ended up in the hospital with a stressed induced mini stroke. A major warning sign that if I did not make changes NOW the next time might be a full stroke. Only after my body was absolutely screaming for help did I finally make changes in my life. I now try to balance excitement, with rest, and having a busy schedule, with breaks. 

Pause, rest, reset

I went to extremes when I dealt with burn out, one I completely quit everything, and the other I ignored the signs until the worst-case scenario happened.

When you start to notice changes in your physical and mental health take an assessment of your life. Follow the paths that you enjoy and cut some of the things that either don’t matter or you don’t want to do. Your health is worth so much more then saying yes to everything and everyone. There are certainly days I miss being really busy and feeling that rush of excitement. My brain thrives on that, but I know it’s not sustainable. Once again, it’s about balance. And that balance will shift constantly, depending on what you can handle at this point in your life, or month, or even day. And it’s totally ok to change it up!

Listen to your body, it’s telling you a lot more then you think.

We were supposed to be away for the weekend on a mini family vacation. However, the universe had other plans.

I ended up starting to feel sick on the Thursday night, but had hope I'd feel better by Saturday when we were leaving. I stayed home, tried to rest (as best a mom can), and made sure to do everything I could to feel better. Friday night I was not great, but OK, and had every intention to pull through for my family.

That night my son woke up and puked everywhere. Not only were we not sleeping, but now running a lot of laundry. We hoped it was a one time thing, but he continued throughout the night and into morning. We decided we weren't making it on Saturday, but thought we could push it back by a day. We would leave now on the Sunday and come back Monday (playing hooky from school and work). He seemed to be getting better, and again we had hope. But that familiar cry woke us up again. The poor kid was sick all night, and we were on day two of little sleep.

​We knew at this point the trip was not salvageable. What followed was the feelings defeat, exhaustion, anger, stir crazy (especially me as I hadn't left the house in days), and a big dose of disappointment. 

This is one of the toughest emotions to deal with, and our house was heavy with it this weekend. 
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There are things you can do when it hits, that can help ease it, and lessen it's hold over you. 
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• First, feel it.

Really let yourself sit in it for a bit (as long as you aren't harming others around you). By trying to jump to positivity right away, you don't allow yourself to have a moment of acknowledging that this just really sucks. Plain and simple. Once you really let yourself have a moment you need to move through it and not get stuck. Here are a few options as next steps. And I know this part is really tough, but super important. 

• Find an alternative activity

This didn't work in our case since we had to stay home. But you could find something else exciting to go and do. Sometimes the spontaneous plans turn out to be the best. I remember one time our original plans fell through and disappointment was heavy. My husband suggested to go to Toronto Island, everyone moped about it, had excuses like it's too late in the day to go now. But he said enough, we are going! So we went, we arrived midafternoon and stayed until close, getting home way past bedtime, everyone filled with joy. 

• Go outside

Since we could not go anywhere this weekend, and I was starting to feel very house bound, I just went outside and let the sun hit my face. It's amazing what a little vitamin D can do. I brought out a coffee and a magazine and just enjoyed a bit of outside time. If you were up for it you could go for a walk, bike ride, anything that gets you out. 

• Do a project

Is there something that's been sitting on your to do list forever? Maybe now is the time to start it. Being productive can help keep the mind off the disappointment, and accomplishing a task can give you a boost. For me, I did some brainstorming for my program, I created a mood board, and wrote this blog post. 

• Forced Relaxation

Some people enjoy relaxing, but I am someone who feels like I'm wasting time if I'm not being productive. However, if you view it as part of the process, it can be helpful. A great excuse to read or write, listen to music etc. You have been given the gift of time. 

• Family Time Together

Get some board games and snacks out, watch a movie together, paint. Spending time with others can really boost everyone's mood. 

Whatever you choice to do, the idea is to get yourself engaged in something else. You can't change the thing that caused the disappointment no matter how much you dwell on it, but you can change your mindset.