I have always been busy.

There is something thrilling about being endlessly busy for some people. They thrive on it, wear it like a badge of honour, almost saying “look at how many things I can handle”. But it does go deeper than that. For some, it equals self-worth, success, and gives them a wonderful feeling of satisfaction. The more you can take on, more people you can help out, the higher the reward you feel. And it can be addicting. 

When I was a young, I was that kid who couldn’t make it to the birthday party because of a dance show, who couldn’t make grade 8 graduation because of a serious rehearsal which would make or break our competition. I spent all my evenings, weekends, and summer training.

Then I entered an arts high school. It was the first time I felt at home at school, and I got involved. Every performance assembly (often opening act which required more rehearsals), every musical, I said yes to every friend’s choreography projects, and a few collaboration projects with the different arts. I took drama classes on top of my dance program, often running things like the Remembrance Day ceremony (which at an arts school was a full-on production). Music classes outside of school. And my dance training I did at my studio, where five days a week I would take the bus straight from school to the studio with my dinner and homework in hand.

I burned out, hard. 

It was my first time experiencing my body physically shutting down, my brain just not working anymore, and the shame for feeling like I failed, was strong.

I didn’t have the tools to deal with it then and didn’t understand what was happening either. I tried to push through, but the more I pushed the more my body suffered.

First signs you are in burn out:

• Exhaustion
  
• Mood changes
  
• Stomach aches, headaches
  
• Getting sick with viruses more often
  
• Your brain not remembering as well,
  
• Feeling the need to zone out more
  
• More physical injuries

I actually reached my breaking point in first year university. Leading up to graduating high school I had so much potential. I had been given full scholarships, and placements at schools in the USA and Canada. My path was lined up ahead of me, all I had to do was pick. I ended up at the Ryerson Theatre School, in Toronto. Probably one of the toughest programs in Canada to get into, and here I was all set to get my career started. I also lived in residence that year, and would watch my peers going out at night, enjoying life, knowing I had ballet class at 8am the next day. Being surrounded by people having fun, and not spending every moment of their day training was eye opening for me. It took the director of the dance program to bluntly tell me my heart wasn’t in this anymore, to make me realize just how much I was burnt out. Perhaps, if I had better tools I could have gotten past the burn out and continued my dance career. However, I didn’t, so I quit. For the first time since I was about 5 years old, I wasn’t training as a dancer. 

Dealing with the burn out by just simply quitting everything and having nothing to replace it isn’t ideal. It can lead to depression and loss. Making smaller changes early on when you experience the first signs of burn out is more beneficial in the long run.
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After you experience first signs of burn out:

• Evaluate your schedule (can you cut anything out?)
• If there is something that you really don’t want to be doing follow that instinct 
• Take some small breaks even just to take some deep breathes
• Talk to friends or a therapist
• Yoga or stretching is amazing to do

I spent the next few years lost. I stayed in Toronto, worked a lot of random jobs, enjoyed going out more. However, under it all was a complete loss of my identity, drive, and passion.

Slowly, I found another path. I went back to school for archaeology, worked in museums and in the field, found my partner, bought a condo. For a time, things were really good, my life was organized, and I had purpose again. Eventually we got married, bought a house, and had two kids.

Managing a house, two kids, and a job, without community or family support was tough. A difficult pregnancy, birth, and having a young neurodivergent kid all lead to some tough mental health issues. I ignored every early sign of burn out, stating I didn’t have a choice now, that I just needed to be stronger. I was creating my own misery. Yes, it was a tough situation, but I still needed everything to be perfect. As perfect as my life before kids, a house, and the utter exhaustion that comes from it all. As the kids got a little older, I started joining things, and adding to my schedule just for any sense of connection and purpose. All the while still not address of the original signs of burn out. 

Secondary signs of burn out: after ignoring the first signs for a long time

• ​More physical issues. I had constant stabbing pains in my side, and at one point I completely lost my hearing in one ear
• More migraine headaches
• Complete zone outs
• Irritable and emotional dysregulation
• Constant anxiety 

And yet, still I pushed through. I did go to the doctor to try and solve some of the physical pains, but all my tests would come up normal. Eventually, I let everything go unchecked for so long I ended up in the hospital with a stressed induced mini stroke. A major warning sign that if I did not make changes NOW the next time might be a full stroke. Only after my body was absolutely screaming for help did I finally make changes in my life. I now try to balance excitement, with rest, and having a busy schedule, with breaks. 

Pause, rest, reset

I went to extremes when I dealt with burn out, one I completely quit everything, and the other I ignored the signs until the worst-case scenario happened.

When you start to notice changes in your physical and mental health take an assessment of your life. Follow the paths that you enjoy and cut some of the things that either don’t matter or you don’t want to do. Your health is worth so much more then saying yes to everything and everyone. There are certainly days I miss being really busy and feeling that rush of excitement. My brain thrives on that, but I know it’s not sustainable. Once again, it’s about balance. And that balance will shift constantly, depending on what you can handle at this point in your life, or month, or even day. And it’s totally ok to change it up!

Listen to your body, it’s telling you a lot more then you think.

We were supposed to be away for the weekend on a mini family vacation. However, the universe had other plans.

I ended up starting to feel sick on the Thursday night, but had hope I'd feel better by Saturday when we were leaving. I stayed home, tried to rest (as best a mom can), and made sure to do everything I could to feel better. Friday night I was not great, but OK, and had every intention to pull through for my family.

That night my son woke up and puked everywhere. Not only were we not sleeping, but now running a lot of laundry. We hoped it was a one time thing, but he continued throughout the night and into morning. We decided we weren't making it on Saturday, but thought we could push it back by a day. We would leave now on the Sunday and come back Monday (playing hooky from school and work). He seemed to be getting better, and again we had hope. But that familiar cry woke us up again. The poor kid was sick all night, and we were on day two of little sleep.

​We knew at this point the trip was not salvageable. What followed was the feelings defeat, exhaustion, anger, stir crazy (especially me as I hadn't left the house in days), and a big dose of disappointment. 

This is one of the toughest emotions to deal with, and our house was heavy with it this weekend. 
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There are things you can do when it hits, that can help ease it, and lessen it's hold over you. 
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• First, feel it.

Really let yourself sit in it for a bit (as long as you aren't harming others around you). By trying to jump to positivity right away, you don't allow yourself to have a moment of acknowledging that this just really sucks. Plain and simple. Once you really let yourself have a moment you need to move through it and not get stuck. Here are a few options as next steps. And I know this part is really tough, but super important. 

• Find an alternative activity

This didn't work in our case since we had to stay home. But you could find something else exciting to go and do. Sometimes the spontaneous plans turn out to be the best. I remember one time our original plans fell through and disappointment was heavy. My husband suggested to go to Toronto Island, everyone moped about it, had excuses like it's too late in the day to go now. But he said enough, we are going! So we went, we arrived midafternoon and stayed until close, getting home way past bedtime, everyone filled with joy. 

• Go outside

Since we could not go anywhere this weekend, and I was starting to feel very house bound, I just went outside and let the sun hit my face. It's amazing what a little vitamin D can do. I brought out a coffee and a magazine and just enjoyed a bit of outside time. If you were up for it you could go for a walk, bike ride, anything that gets you out. 

• Do a project

Is there something that's been sitting on your to do list forever? Maybe now is the time to start it. Being productive can help keep the mind off the disappointment, and accomplishing a task can give you a boost. For me, I did some brainstorming for my program, I created a mood board, and wrote this blog post. 

• Forced Relaxation

Some people enjoy relaxing, but I am someone who feels like I'm wasting time if I'm not being productive. However, if you view it as part of the process, it can be helpful. A great excuse to read or write, listen to music etc. You have been given the gift of time. 

• Family Time Together

Get some board games and snacks out, watch a movie together, paint. Spending time with others can really boost everyone's mood. 

Whatever you choice to do, the idea is to get yourself engaged in something else. You can't change the thing that caused the disappointment no matter how much you dwell on it, but you can change your mindset. 

You are sitting on the couch, thinking about having to make dinner. There are kids’ toys all around you, a pair of discarded socks on the couch, and old snack wrappers on the table. You tidy up a few of the items and throw out the wrappers. Only then to come face to face with a kitchen full of dirty dishes and used lunch containers. Now simply making dinner becomes a monumental task.

This cycle becomes tough to deal with every day. You are feeling overwhelmed by simple tasks. Your brain doesn’t want to deal anymore, and you become stuck. 

Dealing with feelings like:

• I just feel like I’m drowning!
• It’s too much, I don’t know where to start.
• Why is there always stuff everywhere?
• There are too many appointments, activities to get to, and dinners to cook.
• When I get one part of my life organized, another falls apart. What’s the point in trying?
• Everyone else seems to be able to do this, I feel so much guilt for not having it together.

​There are a few simple tools you can use when you feel really stuck:

• Tell yourself to do one small thing and focus only on that

When your brain is really stuck and you feel like you can’t move, sometimes telling yourself to do one small thing can get the snowball rolling.

Example: Just tell yourself all I need to do is get up and get dressed, nothing else. Really make your brain believe it just has this one thing to do. And if you can do that, it often leads to the next task. Once you are up and accomplishing something it’s easier to keep going.

• Break down a task into many smaller tasks you can check off a list

Putting a huge task on a list will make it feel impossible to feel like your list is getting smaller.

Example: Don’t just add clean the kitchen to the list, write out all the steps that are involved with cleaning the kitchen. Add empty dishwasher, put in dirty dishes, wipe down counter, sort papers etc.

• It doesn’t have to be perfect!

This one was huge for me. Sometimes I wouldn’t even start something because it was less then what I pictured it to look like.

Example: For me, getting this blog and my program started. It’s still not exactly the way I want it to be, but I’m doing it and that’s all that matters.

• Don’t be too hard on yourself

This is hard stuff! While motivating yourself, don’t forget to be gentle and encouraging.

​Example: No one wants to be scolded, including yourself. This is much easier said then done, but with practice it gets easier.

I'm a much happier, and productive, worker when I'm surrounded by a well designed space and items I love. Being visually stimulated in a calm environment can make it easier to focus and get the work done. It's a balance between having a uncluttered space, but enough visually appealing items to help the creativity flow. I'm all about creating layers of atmosphere around me. If my space doesn't feel right, it's hard for me to get my best work accomplished. 

A fire was lit under me this week, and more then ever I want to be back to being creative, and sharing again. I had the wonderful opportunity to be on a TV show, The Good Stuff with Mary Berg, for a fun makeover. However, it wasn't the being on TV part that inspired me. It was being surrounded by creative people again, all working with purpose, to create a fun show. All kinds of different talents coming together.

​It made me want to be a part of that again. I was shaken awake from my long years of slumber as mom, housemaker, and just simply surviving.

I want, and need, to be thriving again. 

I have made new goals for myself to write more and get my ideas down on paper. 

​I look forward to sharing with you!

Did you miss me? Life sure gets messy. After two kids, a house to run, full time work, and everything in between, writing a blog got put on hold. Then a few months turned into years. However, the itch to write and create is back, and I’d like to get started sharing with you again.

A lot has changed since I last wrote, and I’m not exactly sure how this blog is going to look just yet. I’ve decided to jump out of my comfort zone, and let it get messy and build it up organically. Totally not like me, but if becoming a parent taught me anything, it’s that life is unpredictable. Sometimes just following your instincts towards what feels good is the best way to grow. All you can do is keep moving, and hope things will become clearer along the way.
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I’m still going to share renovation projects and design, but I also want to explore many things I’ve learned over the years, especially as a parent. My perfect way of doing things before just isn’t realistic anymore, and I’d love to share how I’ve managed to overcome some of those challenges. 

​Some ideas I will be playing with:

• Design projects I’ve done
• Renovations I’m doing at home
• Inspiration Boards
• Organization methods for your house
• Tools you can use when you are stuck mentally
• Parenting in the tough spots
• Overall growth and wellbeing

So many different things, but if you look closer, you will notice an overall theme of organization. From your physical space to your mental space. And all through a lens of letting go of perfection.
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I also have some side projects I’m working on for the future, including a newsletter I hope to get started with soon. Stay tuned. For now, it’s good to be back to writing, and sharing some inspiration with you again. 

Over the last couple of months we have been quite busy in our personal lives. We have been back and forth to Ottawa a few times to visit family, our Elara turned 2 years old, and we are expecting another addition to our family. I am currently 5 months pregnant! Our next babe is due in August. It's been a rough pregnancy so far, with lots of morning sickness, which has been even harder while looking after a toddler. I've just been getting through each day and not much more. However, I'm hoping to get back to blogging and doing lots more projects. There is something about the weather getting warmer, and I am finally starting to feel more normal, which is inspiring me to get back on here and get writing. Check back soon!

Do you like our pregnancy announcement? The geek gamers in us thought we would have some fun. 

I didn't get a chance to post last week as we were on holiday! Jeff and I went away for a few days to the island of Curacao. Meanwhile, Elara got to have a vacation of her own with her grandparents. As both Jeff and I's parents don't live in Toronto it was nice for them to spend some time with her. And we got to reconnect as a couple. Win-win all around! 

We spent five days on this beautiful island. It is a part of the Dutch Antilles and is close to South America next to the Venezuela boarder. The website for the country's tourism is a good source for planning a trip here. Curacao has something for everyone to do! Whether is be relaxing on the beach, visiting a museum, or hiking up the hills on the north end of the island. There is also every restaurant imaginable, lots of festivals, and the main city of Willemstad is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. 

Here is what we got up to on the island. There was so much more I would have liked to experience, but we were there to relax too, and you can't do everything! 

Day 1: 
We didn't get into Curacao until 11pm the night before so we didn't do much except settle in and sleep. On our first full day we explored our hotel's grounds and took a walk along the beach and cliff side, and went swimming.

We picked the Curacao Merriott Beach Resort, as it looked great, had good reviews, and was not expensive. The hotel, grounds, and beach of this hotel are all open air, and is just gorgeous. After exploring all over the island this hotel is definitely one of the best in terms of atmosphere and beach area. The room was comfortable, but was a little dated and worn. They could use a renovation to modernize and make the rooms look fresher. The food on the other hand was just OK, and was extremely expensive. We ended up eating most of our meals off site where the food was great. So, it had some pros and cons, but since you don't spend all that much time in your room we thought the hotel setting more then made up for the dated rooms.

Day 2:
On the second day we took a shuttle into the main city of Willemstad. This is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. The buildings are so colourful and are in the Dutch style. There are two sides of the city which are connected by a floating bridge. This bridge opens and closes to allow boats through, which is lots of fun to watch. If you need to get back over to the other side when the bridge is open you can take the free ferry. 

We found a cute little restaurant for breakfast which had amazing food and was only $5 compared to $20 US dollars. After eating, we wandered around the small, pedestrian only, streets and looked at all the neat buildings. There is also a floating market where boats park at the pier and sell their fresh fish, fruits, and vegetables. Lots of fun to people watch as they go about their daily shopping. 

All along the water is the old fort wall. They have remade the wall into restaurants and shops. You can visit the Riffort and lookout from the top of the wall for a great view of the city.  It looked like a museum was in the works when we visited, but it was under construction. We ended up going to one of the restaurants in the wall for dinner. The kitchens are located in the wall and they built docks out over the water for the tables. Can't beat watching the sun go down over the ocean while having dinner!

Day 3: 
We started the day by heading to the Curacao Sea Aquarium. It was fun to watch the flamingos but the rest of the aquarium was just OK. There wasn't a ton to do there (unless you want to swim with dolphins or feed sharks, all of which costs more), and it was quite expensive. Afterwards we walked over to Mumbo beach, and enjoyed lunch at Chill and Grill Beach Bar. They had a great BBQ going, and you can sit at the bar or at tables right in the sand. 

After lunch we visited the Curacao Liqueur Factory and Museum. There was a small museum that tells you the history of the liqueur (which is made from a type of orange) then tastings at the end, all of which was free. There is actually quite a few flavours of Curacao, only the blue one is popular internationally. We bought a tamarind flavoured one, which has a nice sour taste and would be amazing over ice. 

​For dinner we went to a beach near our hotel called Pirate's Bay. We fell in love with this place! During the day it's a private beach and bar/restaurant. However, at night they take away all the lounge chairs and place tables right on the sand, and light strings of colourful lanterns and lights. The atmosphere is wonderful! And the food and drinks were some of the best we had on the island. We definitely recommend this place, and it was great since it was a short walk from our hotel. They also serve breakfast and lunch, and there is a wood burning oven for pizza. As well, the cocktails were actually made with real fruit instead of the fake syrup mix. So yummy!

Day 4:
On our last full day we rented a car and took a little road trip up to the north side of the island. We visited Christoffel National Park for a hike. The landscape is very arid, and the park was full of cactuses (and huge iguanas too). It was so interesting to look around! We saw huge cliffs where the waves rushed up, giant cactuses, and hills in the distance. 

After visiting the park we drove to a few public beaches along the road to do some snorkelling. Lots of amazing fish and coral to see all along the coast. 

This is definitely an island to see! It's so different than a lot of other Caribbean islands, it almost has a European feel. It's a lot wealthier than some, and tourism is not as big here which means you are visiting a country not just a resort. In fact, on our plane coming in there were only a few of us who were tourists, the rest were all locals coming back from their holidays or visiting family/friends. The locals are very friendly and are very proud of their country. They are also very diverse. We enjoyed our trip a lot, and it was so nice to spend some time in the hot sun and swim in the ocean!

I can't believe it, but an entire year has gone by since Elara's birth. She is already one years old! She definitely is her own little person now; who is sweet, silly, and has quite a suborn strike. I have also been doing a lot of remembering of my own birth experience. Quite a lot of it was hard for our new family as we had a shaky start (you can read more here). However, everyone is great now and our little girl is just so happy with life. 

Elara's official birthday is today, February 4th. However, we ended up having her birthday party this past weekend with family and friends. It was a lot of fun, and Elara held up really well! She got to try some cake for the first time. She didn't seem too sure of it, and hated the mess on her fingers. Although it was great entertainment for everyone else. So much to celebrate, we are so happy with our little toddler now!

Wishing all of you a wonderful holiday from our family! We are certainly enjoying baby's first Christmas. Cheers!